The Dandy’s Rancid Porter
No, I’m not talking to my friend’s new manservant. I’m referring to his latest effort (if that is not an overstatement) at brewing beer with the Geek. When I talk about homebrewing, friends often say they tried it once (usually as a student) and had a disastrous experience which has put them off the idea. Thankfully, I have never had such an experience*, but Fraser and Charlie can now officially be said to have had a Stinker.
I was round at the Dandy’s ostensibly to read through his new play, but really to try and borrow a few volumes of McSweeney’s, and was offered a bottle of porter which he and the Geek had made. He hadn’t yet tried it himself, but the Geek had warned him that it was “a little bit lively”. Ha! “Dangerously volatile” would have been a more apt description. As soon as I popped the cap, a jet of beer shot up to the kitchen ceiling which such force that I had trouble holding onto the bottle. This beery fountain continued for an unfeasible length of time, soaking me and most of the kitchen in the process. By the time it calmed down there was only a centimetre of liquid left in the bottle. Well, I’m not one to waste beer and I said I’d taste it, so I thought I may as well still give it a go. But when I poured it into a glass I soon changed my mind. It was mostly slurry and there were at least 3 dead flies in it! Gross… If it hadn’t blew up, I would have drunk that. Worth the soaking, I think.
It would appear that (as Hammerhead has been telling us for years) the Geek has major hygiene issues. On top of that, some schoolboy error had resulted in over carbonation, and it may well still be fermenting. Basically, each bottle of this rancid porter is a bomb just waiting to explode. I reckon a good fart could have set one off. And the Dandy had a cardboard box full of them on top of his piano. “You need to get those out of the house. Now.” I told him, and we carried them nervously to the bottom of his garden. I am going to go round next week with my air rifle to carry out some controlled explosions.
*Actually, a Brewbag (do they still make those?!) I made at university did put Chuffer Norris out of action for the best part of a week, but since he was not a close friend, this did little to deter me from returning to brewing later in life.